Not knowing. Not knowing whether it’s all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do; not knowing the purpose.
It’s like when you’re little and you touch the stove and get burned because you didn’t know that it was hot.
Not knowing has always hurt us, from the every beginning. Yeah. From the every freaking beginning. It cuts your heart into pieces and you hope that someone will notice it and help you from drowning yourself with your own monster inside your head.
There's nothing I can do more now. I've done my best. I tried, all the time.
Ya Allah, I need Your help to be a better Muslim. I know I make it hard on myself and don't try as hard as I should but please don't give up on Me.
Ya Allah, to You I belong and to You I will return.
Ingat shikin, luahkan segalanya di tikar sejadah. Allah is the best listener :')
Selamat hari selasaaaaaa! Back to work and the kids are back to school. Amacam? Mesti rasa bosannnnn je kan. Dulu selalu orang cakap Monday blues. Kali ni pulak Tuesday blues to the workers and Wednesday blues to the kids *sambil nyanyi lagu party animals* Lalalalalalla ~
Kali ni aku nak pokpek pasal kesilapan yang sering orang ramai buat. Biasa lah kan, kalau memalam gini bila dah tak boleh tidur, pastu lapar pulak. Uhm nyesal pulak tadi tak makan, grhhh. Bukan ego ye Mr.X, tadi memang betul perut buat hal. Blame the flabby tummy! And now I'm freaking FUNGGRYYYYY! :( yes, I spell fungry. Mind my words.
Dah macam jadi kebiasaan pun ada aku tengok orang buang kawan kerana cinta. Or buang tu boleh digantikan dengan 'lupa'. Benda ni selalu jadi kan? Pernah terfikir tak salah siapa? Salah situation ke? Ataupun salah pasangan kita tu? Ataupun kerana cinta mengatasi persahabatan?
Semuanya kerana SALAH DIRI SENDIRI. Don't blame others. You're the one who choose to throw your friends away for your 'loving' boyfriend/girlfriend. *loving my ass - kata hati aku*. Jadi kenapa selalu nya benda ni jadi? Aku ada la list kan few reasons yang maybe aku rasa penyebabnya.
A) cinta agung la kononnnnnnnnnn.
Z : untuk you, apa saje I lakukan. I tak perlu kan diorang, I perlu kan you sorang je. Sorry bebyyyy, I tak buat dah.
Q : okay, this time I forgive you. I tak suka you kawan dengan dia. No more seeing them okay? Promise?
Z : pomisshhh, pomisshhhh. I'm sorry bebyyyyy. I tak jumpa diorang dah.
Q : good. I love you.
Z : I wuvvvvv youuu two there four five six.
Familiar dengan situation ni? Alaaa ngaku je la. Benda ni meluas dengan pantasnya dari connection berokband hangpa semua. Selalu jadi gini kan? Korang sebab terlalu sayang kan pasangan korang sampaikan sanggup tak jumpa/lepak dah dengan orang tu sebab pasangan korang tak suka orang tu. Padahal kawan korang tu jugak yang tolong korang masa korang gaduh dengan pasangan korang dedulu. Tepuk dada, tengok ada lagi tak rasa sakit tu. Kalau masih ada, alhamdulillah, Allah tak tarik lagi perasaan korang tu.
B) masa semuanya untuk pasangan anda.
F : weh, kau kat mana? Jom lepak. Aku lama dah tak jumpa kau.
Q : aku kat rumah, haaaaa jom la. Bila?
F : lagi 10 minit aku sampai.
Q : eh, aku nak keluar dengan bf/gf aku la. Next time next time.
F : laa, okay mcm tu, esok?
Q : esok aku kena teman bf/gf aku pergi kenduri.
F : hmm, Sabtu ni?
Q : aku celebrate birthday bf/gf aku la.
Normal things, normal things ~ kalau dah syok bercinta tu, apa pun dah tak ingat. Asek nak melekat manjanngggg. Kawan semua ajak lepak, sanggup tu tolak semata-mata nak keluar dgn pasangan masing-masing. Tak rimas ke asek nk bersama je? Lama-lama kawan pun rasa dilupakan. Pastu diorang angkat kaki sebab rasa kena buang dengan kawan sendiri sebab bf/gf diorang lagi penting.
C) sweet talks ala gedik-gedik.
Z : you're my everything. Mind do me a favor?
Q : apa dia b? Anything for you.
Z : jgn kawan dah dgn bestfriend you tu, boleh?
Q : kenapa?
Z : I tengok dia macam suka you je. I jealous. I tanak hilang you sweetheart. You mean the world to me.
Q : alalalalalaaaa, dia mana ada suka I la bebyyy. Comel je jealous.
Z : I tak suka you kawan dengan dia. Plsssshhhh? :'( - tambah dengan muka sedih so that lakonan nampak mantap.
Q : okay sayang. Anything for you, I don't want to lose you too.
Stupid, that's all I need to say. Sanggup buang bestfriend sendiri yang korang paling rapat semata-mata nak jaga hati bf/gf? You're definitely has lost your mind. Gila ke apa. Orang tu ada time susah senang dengan kau. Relax je kau nak buang dia sebabkan bf/gf kau yang kau baru kenal tak sampai setahun tu.
D) kaki kongkong.
Z : jangan keluar harini. Duduk rumah je. Faham?
A : okay sayang.
F : lepak jom?
A : awek/balak aku tak bagi aku keluar lah.
F : yang kau dengar sgt ckp dia tu kenapa? Dah macam queen control dah dia. Kau pun ikut je.
A : sebab aku sayang dia la bangang. Kau apa faham. Gi mampssss la.
F : whatever.
A : kau bukan kawan aku dah, aku benci kau. Bye!
Tudiaaaaa. Apa yang kawan hang cakap tu betul la. Yang hang kalut sangat awat? Siap putus kawan lagi. Bongoks.
Cukup lah 4 reasons je ye? Perut aku yang buncit ni dah main lagu, so tak dapat nak concentrate nak tulis apa lagi. Hmphhh.
Pernah korang alaminya? Jujur lah aku cakap kan, dedulu time aku tak matang lagi, aku ada gak la lupakan kawan aku. Dedulu kan cinta monyet cinta paling hebakkk. Aku pun tak terlepas dari penangannya. Maksud kawan tu, kawan in real life la. Bukan kawan dlm MySpace, Facebook tu semua. Tu ramai la. Ni yang dalam real life ni.
Aku bukannya buang diorang. Tapi gaya dan layanan aku kat diorang yang buat diorang rasa aku lupakan diorang bila aku dah ada bf. Tapi bukan salah diorng pun. Salah aku jugak. Bebal gila asyikkk sangat bercinta. Mengalah kan mak bapak aku sendiri. Sama la jugak aku, tak bagi dia kawan dengan perempuan-perempuan lain.
Bila fikir balik, aku tergelak sorang tengok diri aku dulu yang tak matang lagi. Ada ke nak kongkong and buang kawan? Asek fikirrr kan cara-cara nak kukuhkan hubungan jee. Last-last hubungan ke mana, kawan entah kemana. Tu la cara Allah nak mematangkan kita. DIA bagi kita situation yang kita akan belajar untuk masa akan datang.
Aku agak menyesal jugak la. Tapi alhamdulillah, best friendssssss ( when I said best friends, it's not only my four husbands, it's including my gfs too ) they never left me. How bad, how immature I was back then, they still stick around. Definitely considered as best friends ever :')
Kepada orang-orang diluar sana yang tengah SYOK bercinta, terutamanya kepada adik-adik yang masih bersekolah - dik, tumpukan lah pada pelajaran dulu. Bergembiralah dengan kawan-kawan, dan jangan pernah sesekali buang diorang bila korang tengah bercinta. Sebab peratusan cinta monyet ( cinta di usia muda ) untuk kekal hingga ke alam perkahwinan, peratusannya sangat lah rendah. Selalu mati di tengah jalan.
Tak salah bercinta tu, sebab manusia memang tak boleh hidup sorang-sorang. Tapi biar lah berpada-pada. Ingat lah, siapa yang ada susah senang - KAWAN. Bukan bf/gf. Bila diorang tinggal kan kita, siapa yang ada? Kawan. Bila kita gaduh dengan bf/gf, siapa yang ada? Kawan. Jangan kerana bahagia yang sementara, anda merana buat selamanya :)
Bukan mereka sahaja yang tak pernah putus asa melayan kerenah aku.
Ramai lagi :)
They're always stick around.
Thanks friendssssss.
Mabokk la aku nak buang diorang ni semua. Nehi nehiiii nehiiiiiiii! Not in a million years I will find friends like them. Kawan tu lebih penting dari bf/gf. Tapi ingat, suami dah isteri tu lebih penting dari kawan :) Dan tiada yang lebih penting melainkan Allah SWT. Bercinta tu bercinta la jugak. Tapi jangan melebihi cinta korang kepada Nya :')
Me : you tak jealous ke I rapat dengan diorang? * referred to how close I am to my four husbands.
X : nope.
Me : sumpah? Sikit pun tak?
X : sumpah ;)
Me : *diam and pandang bawah. Sadis. Takde perasaan tulsss orang tua ni*.
X : I tak jealous sebab I percaya you. I percaya yang you tak akan fall for them *senyum + mata comel gileeeee*
Me : *senyum nampak gigi*
X : kan?
Me : insyaallah tak. Tapi you tak takut kalau lah I tetiba suka kat dorang?
X : I percaya pada jodoh. I percaya pada Qada' dan Qadar. Bab jodoh semua, I biarkan Allah yang tentukan. Kalau you jodoh I, alhamdulillah. Kalau bukan, then orang yang dapat you tu bertuah lah :)
Me : :')
Alhamdulillah kalau korang dapat pasangan macam Mr.X saya ni. Ahh perasan la kau ni cikunnn, dia bukan milik kau sepenuhnya lagi. Hmphhh :) well, apa-apa pun, kan lebih elok kalau kepercayaan tu mengatasi perasaan jealous yang tak menentu dan sifat yang terlalu kongkong tu? Beri lah kebebasan kepada pasangan anda. Percaya pada jodoh. Percaya pada Qada' dan Qadar. Kalau betul dia jodoh korang, tak kongkong pun memang dia akan jadi milik korang kan?
Walaupun korang tak kongkong, dan hubungan korang tak jugak kekal. Jangan marah pada takdir. Allah dah tetap kan apa yang terbaik untuk korang. Mungkin di mata korang, dia la yang terbaik. Tapi Allah lebih Mengetahui. Ada yang lebih baik dari mereka. Dan jangan sedih bila Allah pisahkan korang dari orang yang korang sayang. Allah akan sentiasa berikan hamba-Nya yang terbaik.
* Ingat, cinta tu biar berpada-pada. Jangan cinta korang sesama manusia mengatasi cinta korang kepada Allah :)
Apa yang dirasai oleh ukhti, sedikit sebanyak seperti apa yang aku selalu rasakan apabila aku bersama dia. Tapi apa yang di rasai oleh akhi, wallahu a'alam, aku sama sekali tidak tahu sama ada ianya serupa ataupun tidak. Semoga ianya sama hendaknyaaa, insyaallah :)
Ukhti : Saya tidak layak untuk awak.
Akhi : Kenapa?
Ukhti : Awak dari kalangan orang baik-baik, sedangkan saya…
Akhi : Saya dan Tuhan selalu memandangmu, apa lagi?
Ukhti: Awak pintar, awak ada banyak peminat.
Akhi : Peminat? saya tidak perlukan mereka, saya hanya perlu pendamping dan pembimbing untuk anak-anak saya kelak.
Ukhti : Saya juga tidak dalam ilmu agama.
Akhi : Kita boleh mendalaminya bersama-sama.
Ukhti : Sya tidak cantik. Tidak seperti mereka…
Akhi : Tuhan akan marah jika mendengar perkataan awak tadi, sebab itu saya memilih awak kerana awak tidak menggunakan kesempatan atas kecantikan awak.
Ukhti : Awak ini kenapa? Sudah saya kata saya ini tidak layak, kita ibarat bumi dan langit. Terlalu banyak perbezaan.
Akhi : Perbezaan membuat kita lengkap.
Ukhti : Awak terlalu sempurna.
Akhi : Belum. Akan sempurna jika awak ada.
Ukhti : Cukup. Saya tidak mahu dengar lagi.
Akhi : Seribu bunga tak mampu membuat awak berlembut juga?
Ukhti : Temuilah ayah saya. Itu lebih berharga dari seribu bunga dan ungkapan cinta.
“Jika datang kepada kamu seorang lelaki yang engkau redhai agamanya dan akhlaknya untuk meminang perempuan kamu maka nikahkanlah dia jika tidak kamu lakukan demikian maka akan timbullah fitnah dan kerosakan” (hadis riwayat Tirmidzi ).
Imam Thabrani meriwayatkan dari Anas bin Malik, bahawa Rasulullah bersabda: “Barang siapa menikah wanita kerana kehormatannya (jawatan), maka Allah hanya akan menambah kehinaan; barang siapa menikah kerana hartanya, maka Allah tidak akan menambah kecuali kefakiran; barang siapa menikahi wanita kerana nasab (kemuliaan), maka Allah hanya akan menambah kerendahan. Dan barang siapa yang menikahi wanita kerana inigin menutupi (kehormatan) matanya, membentengi farji (kemaluan)nya, dan mempererat silaturrahim, maka Allah SWT akan memberi barakah-Nya kepada suami isteri tersebut”
* Kahwini lah orang yang membuatkan diri kamu bahagia. Kalau tak comel tak ape, boleh tutup lampu - kata-kata dari Ustaz Azhar Idrus :)
Have you ever cry because you miss someone even though you just met them a few mins ago? I have. In fact, I just did. I was in the middle of driving and I could feel my tears dropped. Luckily I was wearing sun glasses, nobody was looking at me when I stopped at the traffic light.
I don't even know the reason why I cried just now. Even though it was only a few drops. I'm not a cry baby. I don't simply cry everytime things go differently from what I expect/hope it to be. Maybe because I was over thinking just now, or maybe I just miss someone so much. All of sudden, all the memories were playing in my mind like it was a movie. Those happy moments, happy laughs, those cute fightings that ended up me winning, just because he knew how badly I want to win.
I could feel he's changing, a bit. Nah, I mean, slightly. Maybe it's for our own best, maybe. But it will take a lot of time for me to adapt with that. I wanted to tell him that I miss him, but .. Have you ever feel like you're just gonna make yourself look pathetic and make a fool of yourself if you say something to someone because you're afraid that the person might not feel the same way? Well, yeah. That's what I felt. And that's what stopping me from telling him how bad I misses him.
Every night I stay up past 12, past 1, etc. Not because I'm tired. Not because I want to tweak on these social networking sites. I'm tired, I want to sleep. But I can't because my mind runs like crazy. It over thinks, over analyzes things that I don't want to think about. So I purposely keep myself awake and tire myself out so that when I do finally lie in bed, I fall asleep and my thoughts don't keep me awake.
The past has taught me that everything you love, will not always be around. Everything will dissapear, people leaves, eventually. But I really hope, and I pray to Allah, that just for this one time, please please make it last. Please make it forever, please make it til' I exhale my last breath before I close my eyes forever. Please please.
Ya Allah, You have given me the strength to stand and to swallow everything in front me. And You have sent many people to help me to go through this world. Alhamdulillah. And I'd learn a lot of things from this journey of my life, and I know I have made a lot of mistakes and sins. But Ya Allah, just for this time, please make it last. I really hope this is the last, I want to live happily in this world, and there, Jannah with Your blessings. He isn't the best person that I ever met. He did not give me the best treatment that I supposedly deserve, he did nothing when he knew he breaks my heart with his actions. But he taught me to be a better person without any force, and that's what make him the GREATEST among everyone that I've ever known. And I could not risk to lose him. But if Your plans prove otherwise, I pray so that You will give me the best strength that You have never been given to anyone, to help me to forget him. You know what is best for me Ya Allah.
I have never said anything about this to anyone, including in my blog. But nothing can stay hidden forever, kan? Maybe this is the perfect time for me to finally let it go. Maybe my heart couldn't hold it any longer :')
Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you last seen them or the amount of time you've talked.
It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something,
and wishing they were right there by your side.
My heart aches. But who cares? After all I'm just gonna act like nothing's wrong and smile like I'm the happiest girl on earth! In fact, I have my best friends around, they are the best medicine. Teheeeee hehehe :'D
* Sometimes I hate you for what you did to me. But most of the time I just miss you, because hating you never sat well with me.
Selamat tahun baruuuuuuuuuuuu! Amacam new year? Okay? Hopefully semuanya okay lah kan. Mine was superb. Alhamdulillah, Syukur sangat.
Semalam, I went to GEMS at Dataran Shah Alam. Ceramah Ustaz Azhar Idrus. I went there with my loved ones. Mereka ialah, Apple : awek buah-buahan tempatan,Afiq : abang sado,Que : bibir seksi, Akip : chubby bear, Iman pends : bumbum mantops,Iman muzafek : coconut shake, dan Gar : anak artis yang comel molekkk.
Dua kereta pi sana. Tak convoi, sebab diorang lembab. Kitorg bertolak dari KL pukul 8 lebih. Since motif 'mereka' nak dengar ceramah Ustaz Azhar Idrus je. Aku nak pi awal sebab nak duduk depan. Tapi depa nak pi lambat. Last-last duduk kat belakang gilo. Tak berapa dengar pulak tu :(
Tapi takpelah, YouTube ada, bak kata Zizan akuuuuu. Heeeeeee. Bapokkkk lerrr ramaiiiii manusia-manusia. Dah tu, yang bawak anak-anak kecik tak ramai pulak? Memang harus lah kitorang semua dengar. DERRRRRNGAAARRRRLAGI. Masing-masing menahan kesabaran. Apa yang Ustaz Azhar Idrus dengan Zizan pokpek kat depan tu, pun kitorg tak tahu. Bila orang semua gelak, aku pun join gelak. Bila depa tanya 'Faham ke?' aku jawab 'tak, gelak je'.
Dah tu, ada la few times aku aku tak faham apa yang Ustaz tu cakap, sebab bahasa ganu kan. Nasib baik Akip and Afiq yang duduk sebelah aku, tolong aku fahamkan. Walaupun diorang bukan asal ganu pun, diorang faham sebab diorang ramai kawan ganu -.- Dah tu lepas diorang dah buat aku faham, haruslah aku gelak yang paling last. Kuang hajoooo tulssss.
But It was fuuuuuunnnnn. Aku sukaaaa gilaaaa! Yes yes, aku memang suka dengar ceramah. Kalau pi solat hari raya pun, aku suka part ceramah. Lagi lama lagi bagus. Ahhh, semalam rasa macam tanak stop je. Kalau lah diorang buat satu hari suntuk, aku pi weiiiiiii! Gabungan Ustaz Azhar Idrus dengan Zizan memang syokkkk! Mantaaapppp gilaaaaa.
Aku try check kat YouTube, kot-kot keluar lah kan video-video semalam, tapi aku jumpa sikit je :( oh harap-harap la nanti keluar kat tv. Aku nak tengooookkk lagi sekaliiiiiiiiiii!
P/s ; Yang duduk shah alam tapi tak pi tu, aku taktau nak cakap apa. Sanggup meredah jam yang gilo tu semata-mata nak pi club kat kl, apa yang hangpa dapat? Orang dari Perak, Kedah pun datangggggg Gems ni semalam. Fuhh, rugi la hangpa semua yang tak maiii tu, sumpah rugiiii :)
Lawak! ;)
Riuh rendah dataran shah alam semalam.
Kalau 5 jam pun aku sanggup duduk situ dengar ceramah dia :)
* Dianggarkan semalam seramai 80 ribu orang datang dengar ceramah dia. Alhamdulillah :)
Honestly, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About my life. About every single thing that happened recently.
And it got me thinking - What do I need to do in order to make my life better? I shed so many tears this year. Well most of it was because of some random things. Okay, I lied. Random is not the word. But stupid. Yes I cried for stupid things. My insecurities kills me. Deep cut - Hell yes.
And after I spent days talking to my loved ones, they've inspired me and I know what I need to do. Yes, not to mention, my special one has changed myself to be someone better. Alhamdulillah.
Well, I've made a list of things that I need to do. Just having thoughts that it would be great if I share it with all of you :)
First of all, I need to stop spending time with the wrong people – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of me. If someone wants me in their life, they’ll make room for me. I shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Right? Guys, remember this; never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends :)
Second, stop lying to yourself – I can lie to anyone else in the world, but I can’t lie to my own self. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. So I shall stop lying to myself starting now!
Third, stop putting your own needs on the back burner – "The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too." Yes, help others; but I need to help myself too. If there was ever a moment to follow my passion and do something that matters to me, that moment is now. Yes. Now!
Forth, stop trying to be someone you're not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. Insyaallah.
Fifth, stop being scared to make a mistake – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Yes Shikin, every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. I may end up regretting the things I did NOT do far more than the things I did. This, this this! I have to change.
Six, I need to stop berating yourself for old mistakes – I may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.
Seven, stop trying to buy happiness – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
Eight, stop being jealous of others – Low self-esteem. Yeap, that's me. I guess I just need to start asking myself: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?” - I need to work out on my confidence!
Nine, I gotta stop letting others bring you down to their level – I have to refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs. Go Shikin gooooooooo!
Okay, this one, I NEED TO STOP DOING IT! Ten, Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t – *Sobbing. I know it’s okay to fall apart for a little while. And I don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. And I shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either. Emph. Stop. Stop. STOP!
Eleven, stop trying to be everything to everyone – My biggest mistake that I ever done, and still doing it, is trying to be everything to everyone. I don't know why I bother much to please people that I love. Why oh why.
Twelve, stop worrying so much – Insecure insecure! Argh, I worry so much about every single thing! Once someone said to me "worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about". Sigh, I guess its easier to say than to get it done. But Insyaallah, I'll work on this, too.
And last but not least, I have to stop being ungrateful – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what I'm missing, I need to think about what I have that everyone else is missing. Alhamdulillah for everything I have. Thank you, Allah.
Fuhh, 2012 is a lot of work for me to do! I neeeeeed to changeeeeeeeeeee! I want to be better. Yes, I want to be better. Ya Allah, please guide me.
2012, please be worth it. Pleaseeeeeeee. Oh pleaseeeeeeee.
* Sometimes Allah doesn’t change your situation because He wants to change your heart :')
Forever weh :)
