Thursday, October 31, 2013

What's Up With You, Girl?


I wanna cat! 
I need a cat!
Been two years now since the last time I had cats :(


Hello, happy Thursday everyone! Hope things are fine on your side. October is really not a good month for me. Been dealing with lots of things :( Lucky I have them by my side. I almost give up. But Syukur Alhamdulillah, they gave me morale support to keep going. Life can be so tough sometimes *sigh*

I have a problem -- I think most of the girls out there having the same problem as me. I have a very low self-esteem. LIKE REALLY REALLY LOW. I don't have confidence in me. I always feel insecure. Even when I sit in my room alone, I still feel insecure. I don't know when ever I feel secured with things around me. I find this is very bad?

Back then when I was still schooling, each time my teacher asked me to go to the next class to borrow or ask anything, I will immediately feel insecure. My heart will beat fast as it will explode anytime soon. I don't like to be the center of attention. I feel like they are judging me from far. Even though they were all my friends. I still felt insecure.

I thought it was okay, until I realized it now -- it's bad. It really is BAD. Not a good thing to have in yourself. You can't survive anywhere. You need to depend on someone and you just don't trust your own body and mind. Like, how can it happen? You've been living in your own body for years and you still don't feel comfortable in your own skin. Or maybe it's the society to be blame? Or our own mindset? I seriously have no idea.

Recently, I had a very bad morale down moment. The worst I've ever had in my life. There's so much things on my plate. I became quiet and lost my bubbly side that everyone seems to have missed it too. I don't feel like laughing or even smiling. Been locking myself in room for weeks. Mr.X-Man tried to convince me that things are fine, but I don't know, I just don't feel right.

I told him that I feel insecure, and that my self-esteem has gotten even lower than before. He then told me, I am pretty in my own ways and what's matter the most is that everyone loves me for who I am. Especially him. He saw my flaws, yet he still accept me for who I am. Not only that, he is blessed to have me in his life.

I admit, that was the most beautiful things I've ever heard from someone, but it still did not change anything. I still feel insecure all the time. I feel bad for him, and for everyone else too. 

Subhan'Allah, such a breathtaking view! 

"She's nothing but just a friend" -- as he looked down and play with his phone. He convinced me so many times and yes, I trust him -- but I just don't trust anyone else, you see? The past has taught me a lot. It left me a scar. A scar saying : I survived. I trusted someone so much and they started to take it for granted. And it sucks to be cheated, you know? It gave a huge impact on me and I see things differently now.

"You are important" -- he added. Ya Allah, I know all the words that came out from his mouth are real, but I still feel insecure. It's not him. It's me. I have problems with my own self. I started to mumble around as he sighed. He told me I should not be worry about anything, and I should feel confident and secure all the time.

You know how I feel? I feel like if I don't guard the people I love, someone might steal them away for me. Tragic, isn't? To feel that way when things are perfectly fine and beautiful. And I don't even know why I felt that way in the first place. Oh well maybe its because of the past? Or maybe cause people are fake and can't be trusted? Or issit because there's too many liars nowadays? 

My self-esteem is very low. I've been working in my company now or almost 2 years, I still feel insecure whenever I meet my colleagues. The feeling is just there. Wherever I go, whatever I do, the feelings of being insecure is just there. Oh Ya Allah :(

I understand that sometimes due to my behavior, I hurt so many people around me. Especially my family and him. He was there through my ups and down, yet I always hurt me with my insecurities. What's up with me?  And never once he complain about anything. He's the most precious thing in my life now after my family. I know no matter how bad we fight, we still have our du'a for each other. InsyaAllah, I pray that he is the one for me :)

I believe, the more I pray, the more Allah will make me feel safe. Even if these diseases can't be cured, as long as I have Allah, I will be fine. Isn't? InsyaAllah. Hopefully I can change myself in few years to come. To be a better me for Allah is always with me. Amin :) :)

* Don't ever give up on me please, mr.X-man *wink

Friday, October 25, 2013

BBL -- Back, Blessed & Loved.


Ya Allah, last entry on 14th July? 3 bulan dah blog ni berhabuk. Agak-agak ada ke yang menunggu entry baru dari saya? Astaghfirullahalazim, sorry. Been busy. Kerja kerja kerja. Lepastu kepala sekarang cepat pening bila tengok pc lama-lama. Sebab tu balik je kerja, terus tak tengok lappy dah. So sebab itu lah dah lama tak tulis entry. Tsk.

So again, sorry sebab lama tak tulis new entry. Ramai jugak yang tanya, kenapa dah tak menulis. So jawapan dia ada di atas ye awak-awak semua :)

Since I was away for a very long time, I decided to write a new entry today, why I've been away and how I am back now with so much love in my heart. Loved, I felt that, few weeks ago. InsyaAllah, moga apa yang saya cuba sampaikan kat entry ni, boleh buat orang ramai hargai orang-orang sekeliling dia :)

Actually, I was sick. I was admitted to General Hospital on 10th October due to some reasons and had a surgery on the next day. I did tell to only some of my friends, yang rapat-rapat je lah. Alhamdulillah, it went well. I am still sick, even now, I am still. But I managed to write this new entry, to tell everyone that I am still alive :)

This entry was actually about the two men that I love the most. Of course, my dad and the one who-still-remain-as-a-secret; mr.X. My dad was there since day 1 until I got discharged from the hospital. To see him sitting next to me, waiting for me to wake up really touched my heart. He was tired, exhausted, old, but still managed to put a smile on his face and tells me everything will be okay. I just need to selawat and pray to Allah. 

A night before I went for the surgery, my mom called and menangis teresak-esak. She couldn't accompany me at the hospital cause she had to take care of my nephew. Sedih sangat dengar esakan mak kita tu :( That night, I cried. I was so scared that the surgery could go wrong and something bad will happen to me. But that's not the case. Apa yang paling dirisaukan ialah orang-orang yang saya sayang. I don't want them to feel sad if anything happen to me. So that night, I cry myself to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up at 6, went for Subuh prayer, and wait patiently as I was the second person to go to the operation hall. Tengok katil depan, makcik tu dah takda. Dia orang pertama yang pergi ke operation hall tu. Berdebar hati ni. Nurse datang, tengok semuanya okay, dia pun beredar. Msg my sister cakap my surgery maybe around 9 lebih macam tu. And she told me dad was on his way to the hospital to see me.

Tapi tak sempat. I went to the operation hall at 9. My prediction was correct. So masa dia tolak katil tu, tak henti-henti selawat. Takut, but beranikan diri. Semuanya serah pada Allah. Kalau dah memang ajal, tak boleh nak buat apa-apa. So the nurses asked me few questions, bla bla bla. And dia cakap, diorang nak cucuk my tangan, untuk kasi drip. Sebelum tu dia bagi ubat tidur.

Lepastu the next thing yang ingat is dia bagi oxygen mask and I heard someone telling me to tarik nafas kuat-kuat. Masa tu dah memang mamai gila. Tak ingat apa. Then lelap mata balik. Bila bukak mata, dia cakap "Operation dah habis ye. Boleh balik katil sekarang". The only thing yang sempat tanya nurse tu is pukul berapa. Terkejut dia cakap pukul 1 lebih. Lama gila woi. Lepastu tertidur balik.

Sampai je katil, tak nampak sesiapa yang kenal. So I thought I was alone. Then tengah dalam kabut-kabut nurse tu transfer saya ke katil hospital tu, I saw an old me standing while smiling at me. Babah! :) Sempat balas balik senyuman bah, then kiok balik. Kejap-kejap terjaga, nampak bah tidur duduk dekat tepi. Kejut bah, suruh bah tidur atas katil, tepi saya, but he refused to. Sedih sangat tengok babah terlentok-lentok kepala dia tidur :(

Allah. Memang jasa babah ni tak dapat dibalas. Semoga Allah makbulkan doa-doa saya untuk babah and mama. Semoga mereka ditempatkan di SyurgaNya kelak dan jauhkan daripada api neraka. Amin.

"How was the operation?" as I checked my whatsapp, it was from him. "Went well, Alhamdulillah". So dia mintak maaf sebab dia tak sihat and makan ubat so pagi tadi dia tak sedar apa. Bangun-bangun je dah tengah hari, tak sempat nak bagi support dekat saya untuk kuatkan semangat. But cause I was still feeling dizzy, I said its okay and end the conversation. Tertidur balik. Siapa yang pernah operate and kena drip faham lah kot macam mana rasa dia.

I felt something heavy dekat bucu katil. So I opened my eyes. I saw him, duduk atas katil. Yes, Mr.X-Man. He was there. Smiling, altho he looks worried in his eyes. I smiled, and I saw as he wipes off his tears. Tengah mamai-mamai tu, tried to open my eyes bagi besar sikit, tapi sebab sakit, tak berjaya. Then nampak lagi dia lap air mata dia. Then I asked, "Kenapa ni?" and dia geleng-geleng kepala. Tak nak bagitahu. Then I asked again, and dia cakap "Sedih. Tengok you macam ni, sakit macam ni, I jadi sedih" as he wipes off his tears again. Alaaa, masa tu rasa macam nak nangis jugak tapi tak terdaya.

So dia pun borak-borak with bah as I continue tidur balik. Sebelum tu sempat jugak bah suap saya makan. Lapar gila. Puasa kot dari a day before tu. Then my sister came. Semua pun muka risau je tengok saya atas katil tu. Then doctor kata boleh balik haritu. Hebat tak? Operation and discharge on the same day? Power tak power tu? Only Ashikin Nofal can do that. Eceeyyhhh!

So balik lah haritu jugak. Mr.X-Man yang drive. He was there through thick and thin, how can I ask for more? I don't want anything else. Dapat dia as my husband pun cukup bersyukur lah if betul he is the one. Hoping that he is the one! InsyaAllah. Amin.

As normal, mak (his mom) bagi kata-kata semangat dekat saya. Masa tu nak nangis pun ada tapi tak boleh sebab terlalu sakit. So nangis dalam hati je yang mampu. Rehat kat rumah, ulang alik pergi hospital. Ada one day tu, tiba-tiba rasa sakit sangat so I rushed to the emergency room. Dah lah malam. Ramai gila orang. Scary. Ada yang accident lah, ada anak demam. So tunggu lah turn kat tepi tu.

Esok tu pergi hospital again with bah and mr.X-Man. Having both of them through my ups and down memang buat diri ni betul-betul bersyukur. Rasa macam I am the luckiest girl ever. Alhamdulillah. And now, I am getting better each day. Hoping that one day boleh sembuh sepenuhnya. Hehe.

Nanti saya update lagi okay blog ni. Sorry entry tak berapa best malam ni. Sejak operate ni, serious kepala tak dapat nak fikir sangat. So nak keluarkan ayat-ayat hebat tu, tak dapat lagi. Heheh but so happy that I could still write! Ingatkan bakat ni dah takda. Eceh bakat kononnnnnnn haha.

Okay thanks for reading. Night people. Assalamualaikum :D

* I am truly blessed, kan? :)


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