Thursday, October 31, 2013

What's Up With You, Girl?


I wanna cat! 
I need a cat!
Been two years now since the last time I had cats :(


Hello, happy Thursday everyone! Hope things are fine on your side. October is really not a good month for me. Been dealing with lots of things :( Lucky I have them by my side. I almost give up. But Syukur Alhamdulillah, they gave me morale support to keep going. Life can be so tough sometimes *sigh*

I have a problem -- I think most of the girls out there having the same problem as me. I have a very low self-esteem. LIKE REALLY REALLY LOW. I don't have confidence in me. I always feel insecure. Even when I sit in my room alone, I still feel insecure. I don't know when ever I feel secured with things around me. I find this is very bad?

Back then when I was still schooling, each time my teacher asked me to go to the next class to borrow or ask anything, I will immediately feel insecure. My heart will beat fast as it will explode anytime soon. I don't like to be the center of attention. I feel like they are judging me from far. Even though they were all my friends. I still felt insecure.

I thought it was okay, until I realized it now -- it's bad. It really is BAD. Not a good thing to have in yourself. You can't survive anywhere. You need to depend on someone and you just don't trust your own body and mind. Like, how can it happen? You've been living in your own body for years and you still don't feel comfortable in your own skin. Or maybe it's the society to be blame? Or our own mindset? I seriously have no idea.

Recently, I had a very bad morale down moment. The worst I've ever had in my life. There's so much things on my plate. I became quiet and lost my bubbly side that everyone seems to have missed it too. I don't feel like laughing or even smiling. Been locking myself in room for weeks. Mr.X-Man tried to convince me that things are fine, but I don't know, I just don't feel right.

I told him that I feel insecure, and that my self-esteem has gotten even lower than before. He then told me, I am pretty in my own ways and what's matter the most is that everyone loves me for who I am. Especially him. He saw my flaws, yet he still accept me for who I am. Not only that, he is blessed to have me in his life.

I admit, that was the most beautiful things I've ever heard from someone, but it still did not change anything. I still feel insecure all the time. I feel bad for him, and for everyone else too. 

Subhan'Allah, such a breathtaking view! 

"She's nothing but just a friend" -- as he looked down and play with his phone. He convinced me so many times and yes, I trust him -- but I just don't trust anyone else, you see? The past has taught me a lot. It left me a scar. A scar saying : I survived. I trusted someone so much and they started to take it for granted. And it sucks to be cheated, you know? It gave a huge impact on me and I see things differently now.

"You are important" -- he added. Ya Allah, I know all the words that came out from his mouth are real, but I still feel insecure. It's not him. It's me. I have problems with my own self. I started to mumble around as he sighed. He told me I should not be worry about anything, and I should feel confident and secure all the time.

You know how I feel? I feel like if I don't guard the people I love, someone might steal them away for me. Tragic, isn't? To feel that way when things are perfectly fine and beautiful. And I don't even know why I felt that way in the first place. Oh well maybe its because of the past? Or maybe cause people are fake and can't be trusted? Or issit because there's too many liars nowadays? 

My self-esteem is very low. I've been working in my company now or almost 2 years, I still feel insecure whenever I meet my colleagues. The feeling is just there. Wherever I go, whatever I do, the feelings of being insecure is just there. Oh Ya Allah :(

I understand that sometimes due to my behavior, I hurt so many people around me. Especially my family and him. He was there through my ups and down, yet I always hurt me with my insecurities. What's up with me?  And never once he complain about anything. He's the most precious thing in my life now after my family. I know no matter how bad we fight, we still have our du'a for each other. InsyaAllah, I pray that he is the one for me :)

I believe, the more I pray, the more Allah will make me feel safe. Even if these diseases can't be cured, as long as I have Allah, I will be fine. Isn't? InsyaAllah. Hopefully I can change myself in few years to come. To be a better me for Allah is always with me. Amin :) :)

* Don't ever give up on me please, mr.X-man *wink

1 Heart(s) Screaming.:

Sinda Lee said...

O Allah, thanks for lemme notice you. i thought am the only abnormal one! i know how does that feels as i feel the same way too but i'm improve a lot even not much, but with this lease improvement i feel lil much better now.


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