Smile.

 

Fake it til you make it.

Assalamualaikum.

It has been such a rough day for me these couple of days. I can't really know which way to go. My heart was such a mess. And it still is. Until today. I don't know where to start or even know what went wrong. Some nights I can't hold my tears, and some night I just couldn't care less about it anymore. But most of the time -- my heart was broken.

It was broken into pieces and I was finding all back the pieces alone. Every morning I will fake a smile and act like things were fine. I pretended like it was okay. Like I was the happiest person in this world. Because I don't have any words to tell whenever they asked "What's wrong?" "Are you okay?". I wish I could just cry, cause a hug from a friend is what I really need right now. But NO, instead, I smile and said "Everything is perfect at the moment :)".

Smile - it can change people's perception from sad to happy in a second. You wanna run from people's tons of questions, just smile. They will smile back to you and things will be fine. They wont chase you until they get to hear what they want to hear.

You see, most of them are not concern about what's happening to you. They don't care, they just want to know. For the sake of knowing things. And I had a lot of experiences when it comes to expressing my sadness, frustration to people. Because at the end of the day, I will feel regret for telling. Why? Because they don't care. They listen, and they left. 

So what I need to do now is to suck it up and deal with everything. My eyes are still hurt, and I don't have any rights to torture it again. As much as my heart need to do it right now, but it can't be selfish anymore. My heart somehow has to think about others too. My eyes -- it suffered a lot these past few days. Sorry eyes :)

So smile, smile like you really mean it. Smile like you are having such a good day. Smile like you are being hugged by someone you love. Smile like you don't have any problems. Smile like your heart is still in perfect shape. Smile like you just won 1k. Smile, just smile. And you'll be fine whenever you are surrounded by your friends.

Tired. Yes I feel so tired. This is frightening. 

I had enough of sleep, and yet, I still feel tired. 

Not my body I think. But my brain. And my heart. 

How to stop this disease from spreading to other organs?

Ya Rabb, mohon bantu aku tatkala Kau turunkan ujian pada hambaMu ini. Mungkinkah terlalu banyak dosa di dada ini yang menyebabkan aku diuji sebegini? Astaghfirullahalazim. Aku tiada hak untuk bertanya. Namun satu sahaja yang aku harapkan dariMU. Berikanlah aku kekuatan, kesabaran serta ketabahan untuk menghadapi semua ini. Amin :')

I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days. I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, and feeling too much. They are fake and fake people always seem to live longer than others.

546 -- I saw your picture just now. You look happy with your friends. I wish I could make you smile like they did. But I know, at this point of time, I don't really matter to you.

“Katakanlah: ‘Sekali-kali tidak akan menimpa kami melainkan apa yang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah bagi kami’ ” (at Taubah: 51)

Duhai hati -- bila cemburu, bila rindu, bila sedih kehilangan sesuatu, ucaplah “Ma Fi Qalbi Ghairullah (Tiada di hati ku melainkan Allah)". 

Allahu :')

* Assalamualaikum.